Thursday, 19 September 2013

Passion (short story)


"I’ve liked him for 5 years I just never said anything, sometimes it was almost nonexistent but other times; the hard times, it struck like a bolt of lightning but it was always there, eating into my subconscious till it became subliminal in a sense that whenever i saw him, I knew i was home" She said as though referring to an affair that was in some way enchanting, but in reality the person involved was all but feasibly alluring, instead; vociferous, violent, vindictive and full of scathing double entendres intended to openly insult another and only be understood by few, excluding the insulted party of course (probably the only sign that he's humane). One would wonder if at all such a person is likeable, but that’s just life’s curve ball, because believe me he was liked! By the very females he mistreated, while the nice guys wither away in the background. I should know, because i was what you'd call The Best Friend and i followed all his escapades, often using his ugly traits to my advantage, ya know, playing "good cop" to the girls he "bad copped", in my own words anyway. That didn’t get me very far, proving my theory that "Girls just loved to be mistreated" but that’s just being superficial. In the course of following his misadventures and embarking on some of my own, often assuming my "good cop" role, I came across the girl who uttered the awe inspiring words that began my expose.
                            ~
Someone actually liked him, not just liked him like the other misdirected girls, that’s what I called them, but like-liked him, this came as a shock though i wouldn’t have bothered if she wasn’t my current infatuation, so i was pretty much getting friend zoned because of my bestial friend, (that explains his violent nature a little and feels better than calling him "best"). I decided to look into it, I just got over my previous infatuation and she was there to help me pick up the pieces and provided a listening ear as i rambled on and on about what could have been, she was nice and emphatic, it also helped that she was The Best Friend to my previous infatuation, so she sort of knew where i was coming from. Over time I recovered and was ready to step back into the scene, while looking for a new one, something got caught in my line of sight, with a clear head i started noticing things i hadn’t before, this my "friend" was nice and emphatic . . But beautiful! She helped me get through a tough time. . And beautiful!! She knew all my obsessive tendencies. . And beautiful!!! She was small and dainty, with dark lips and a disarming smile. Naturally she was my next target, as I tried to find my way out of the friend zone i tried every trick in the book, from old fashion chivalry, to constant compliments but not in the annoying fanatic way, I took a keen interest in her life, and she happily acquainted me with her problems, i started playing the role she played in my life, even paying for stuff she buys with the gimmick that shed pay me back when she gets her money and never accepting the money!
                         ~
Oh i was smooth, and this got me to a point where we could hug freely and hold anytime in public, when i look back and realize the emptiness in those hugs i laugh hysterically. Everything was of a platonic nature but i didn’t suspect at the time, and even boasted to my bestial friend that I’ve moved up in her heart, i should be given a violent face palm with a shoe! The fact that she was so welcoming fueled my delusions of a budding relationship. Soon enough she was on to me, and realized what i what i was trying to do, this was probably brought on by me telling her i had a secret but i wouldn’t reveal it until a later time, skillfully hinting that she had something to do with it. She kept asking what the secret was but i clearly knew she was aware, but decided to play along, after some consultation with my other friend; she was now fully aware of the situation but wanted to hear it from me. I was titillated by this fact as i thought she was considering "us".  Eventually after much beating about the bush i was ready to disclose, and cash in my chips.
"Maybe, perhaps, probably, peradventure, i may have a crush on you"
That was it! My elaborate prelude to this moment and childish finish! Most girls would think this shyness was cute at face value, but deep down take this as complete cowardice, but i hadn’t known this then. She had encouraged me to always make my feelings for a girl known as id always believed if i play my cards right shed break first then I’d take the opportunity.
                         ~
It usually worked before but it seems it was no longer viable. Her retort was laced with compassion as she lauded my attempt at finally revealing my feelings first, but i was the only one with "feelings". I voiced great concern that this could cause a rift in our friendship, but she assured otherwise. Overtime nothing changed, at some point we were almost undeniably a couple, and succeeded in raising many eye brows, including that of my previous infatuation, which was my favorite part. Despite all this she opined that i was still a friend, to my great displeasure. I kept on probing and asking what i could do to change it, even asking her what her dream guy would be like, she said if she tells me, I shouldn’t bother to act like what she describes because it wouldn’t change anything. It was all taken in good faith and said with smiles, as we could now discuss anything, even the dreaded friend zone transition. I decided to find out the cause of her unyielding heart and it appeared she had eyes for another, or others as it would seem. She has had two failed relationships that didn’t end so badly as they were still on talking terms, both were much older than she was, which intimidated me as i was born only months before she was. At first it was a guy she had met in a faraway country that occupied her heart; it didn’t seem like much of a bother so i thought i could still have a chance. 
                             ~
Only for me to discover that he only occupied a small portion of her heart, and the bigger portion belonged to someone else, maybe me, at least that’s what i wished she said but that was far from it. My bestial friend comes into the picture once again, as her heart belonged to him, to make it worse he didn’t even care! How is it that he isn’t even trying but has beaten me to it? She told me this in confidence as it would be disastrous for her if anyone else knows about it. I started voicing disinterest to my bestial friend because of this development, but as a result of random conversation, he figured out he was the one preventing me from progressing with her, partly because the insults i lashed out to the person occupying her heart were the kind of insults that centered around his own character traits, and partly because a part of me was torn between keeping a promise to one friend and keeping something from another friend, naturally a part of me wanted him to find out. Of course the "awkwardity" in her own words, she presumed would happen if he found out, had happened, and surprisingly, though he outwardly said crap about her and mistreated her as he would other girls, jokingly anyway, i could tell deep down she was immersing herself in his subconscious slowly as he did her. Though we were as close as ever, soon enough i was becoming a third wheel and i felt very out of place, they wouldn’t talk about anything serious as he was too busy being annoying
                          ~
There came a time when i was fed up with their unspoken bond and i asked why exactly she feels this way for, that was when she made the awe inspiring statement, which plummeted me into deeper confusion. The way she said it, it didn’t look rehearsed or off the tip of her tongue, it just felt deep. I couldn’t help but feel daunted by this, i knew now that i couldn’t mimic such emotion with my scripted, surface prone methods, because anyone could treat her the way i did and my mediocre attempt to sway her was all for naught, at least it didn’t get me what i wanted.  It came to a point that i started looking beyond all the bravado my bestial friend was fond of, i decided to put myself in her position, and allow myself feel like she did, hopelessly enamored by violence as i had put it,  and i soon discovered, it wasn’t violence at all, it was more than that, it was a more complex form of emotion that cannot be imitated, it speaks for itself, it radiates from everything you do, it’s what moves us to tears at our lowest points, it’s the extra 5 seconds you add to a hug when you just can’t let go, it’s a key component in the intense mixture that makes love even more dangerous, it was Passion. . .
Now this was where i gave up, i was no match for that, i could not treat anything with such ardor if it wasn’t life or death and even then id still find a logical reason to not feel completely depressed, i was in a word "unemotional"
                                ~
Always trying to reason everything out, my feelings were all in my head and it started to feel as though my heart had never been used and was probably riddled with cobwebs. I had never taken this into consideration, not until i saw it in motion, his antics no longer looked pointless, but a true part of him, it didn’t make it any less obnoxious, but at least he was able to channel his true self into anything he did, anyone would find security in such and i just wished no one else saw this, i couldn’t stand being so inferior. With every girl i spoke to i had a different set of moves and a completely different character, even with my friends, i was an absolute chameleon, it just seemed that no matter how much i faked or rather acted, it’s as though she could see through it all and the propensity of my actions were as clear and inconsistent as my very actions, what’s worse is probably every one saw through my facade. When i figured this out, i didn’t feel very much attracted to her now that i knew what it would take for me to truly captivate her, i assumed my role as the third wheel and figured i might as well move on. I didn’t let it affect our friendship but she could notice my sudden indifference she voiced her concerns to my other friend and sometimes to me, but i couldn’t bring myself to continue trying to mimic something bigger than i was.
                            ~
She found out that he knew how she felt and this didn’t sit well with her, I was to blame, and this didn’t help our already strained relationship as she now felt she couldn’t trust me, i once again pulled out every oratory trick i knew but it didn’t help, she did not like me very much now but acted like she understood, frankly it didn’t really bother me that much because i didn’t really tell him, he found out himself.
The cat was out of the bag now, she and my bestial friend had come to an unspoken but mutual understanding, he became serious when talking to her and acted like he truly cared, i was dumbfounded! Has my bestial friend finally been smitten?! Of course he tried to keep up with appearances and would throw a jab or two her way but i easily saw through it. When asked he denies it but agrees that he is surprised that someone would like him this much when he doesn’t even try, i could sense some ego there, what an obnoxious creature. With the little time left, i took on other ventures, armed with a deeper sense of understanding; i could now objectively judge issues regarding them without jealousy or irritation.
We became friends again after she had come to terms with her feelings and it felt really great, i couldn’t believe i let my theories that were probably assumptions come between our friendship, maybe if i wasn’t so deluded and played it cool something could have been, but it was too late for that anyway. 
                               ~
As the last day approached they made it known to each other how they felt, i thought I’d see fireworks that belittled the sun when they finally did. But they chose to keep me in the dark on this one at least one of them did, the other had a lot to say. We were leaving soon and wouldn’t meet again for a very long time, i felt it was appropriate that they waited this long. I couldn’t help but think of what could have been. It became clear that girls didn’t love to be mistreated; they are just built with the innate ability to spot a faker, and would fall for anyone genuine, if they were good or bad, as long as it’s from the heart. Some good guys probably suffer because they either aren’t really good or just try too hard; i guess that’s what "be yourself" means.
I just can’t stop thinking of what could have been, if i had successfully made the transition, but that wasn’t about to happen.
Not with a facade, not with an empty heart, not with platitudes and certainly not without Passion...

Friday, 13 September 2013

As the tables turn (short story)

Who is this girl?, she just got out of a break up but seems to have found a home in Him, she is little but her huge personality makes her stand out, yes he hinted that he may have liked her, but that was part of his knight in shiny armour act, at the time he ddnt feel anything real, but neither did she.
Before long things started to change, this oddly beautiful girl bursting with energy wanted him but he didnt want her, at first he thought she was okay but as soon as her feelings were revealed he just drew back he then noticed what he had not before, her peculiar smell which went from bad to okay, her dramatic nature that exaggerated issues, for instance her huge grimace and almost squeaky roar at another boy who made her uncomfortable. Now normally he would shrug this off but this time it was different, he thought her in a word "disgusting" and the more she drew nearer he pulled away, he thought his life of random interactions with girls would go on forever, usually he would like them but rarely had they liked him back and if ever it never grew passed the minor crush, on their part that is, but this time it was different. With time it grew into open irritation, because he could predict her random chatter was baseless and frivolous, and sometimes he just ignored her, openly flirted with other girls purposely to spite her, she often voiced her distress but it didnt matter at the time. Once in a while he would succumb and treat her right just to spark her intrest.
                            ~
Like following her to a secluded room and cuddling her, But leaving her high and dry. And it ddnt help that her ex had few good things to say about her, he would often sit with her ex and ask for stories about their relationship, their kisses, high points and low points, and ulitmately the cause of the break up. This was once the guy he partly loathed and openly spited just to please her. Now this went on for quite sometime up until one day, on a holiday, he was out sight seeing in a store, ya know, window shopping and all the while he was chatting her up on a social network, And just then, to recklessly spite her for no reason at all, He told her he had just come across a beautiful white girl and he thought she was hot, but this time her response was cold.  He hadnt expected this and asked her why, she said she would loved to be the friend he can discuss this with but it hurt, and in that very moment, he mellowed and asked her what she wanted. In a similar fashion to this she said she wanted him. There and then he promised her that he would do as she wanted and live to please, her retort was now joyful but not very wordy. He ddnt think of this promise as a mistake or regret it in any way, It just felt normal, it just felt right. As the new season began with the promise of the promise to be enacted, it didnt just snap into place and he stil had traces of hostility, but it seemed this was the beggining of his end.   
                             ~
As the morning faded and the afternoon sun scorched away, Fate would have it that they were left alone together in the same place, then he gave reasons why they dont just 'stick', and probable compatibility issues, and once again she shocked him, her retort was complacent and laced with indifference, she just said she was cool with it. . As they walked on, she echoed the same response, each time more astonishing than the last, something in him had just snapped, he hastily attempted to pick up the pieces and decided to ammend his previous statements, unfortunately* for him she agreed so in a way they were now a couple.
This time it was different, it just worked, the residual feelings of disgust just faded away and he now looked at her and smiled. Things went from smooth to good as time passed, he kept other crushes but didnt hurt her openly or otherwise anymore and sometimes they even got into friendly catfights over him. One day she had developed the proclivity to kiss him and though he shrugged her off last time this inclination came but this time he was willing to try it, having never kissed before this unlikely playboy gave it a go, with some akward pauses and a light cuddle he planted a kiss on her lips, it felt weird as it should but they did again, gentle but more firmly this time, and that was it, his first kiss but her umpteenth*. They went home with smiles and mutual admiration, but no sparks on his part as he could not feel things very deeply, he was nigh unemotional.
                              ~
Soon after this they were still a pseudo couple and this time all he saw in her was endless beauty.  Everything repugnant had now become a jewel in his eyes and he may have just fallen for her truely and she seemingly felt the same. They would always talk on the phone, from talks about themselves under the rain on the phone to endless texts about sweet nothings, he was very fond of dirty jokes and she appeared to have found it cute.  It became a staple for her to call everyday and they even had play fights about him always rejecting her call and calling her back so she would save her airtime. But once in a while he would still act freedom prone and often got advice from his best friend to quit his promiscuity, those tendencies never lasted long and eventually he asked her out, she didnt say yes though he had playfully done this before but now he was serious but she said it was her new year resolution not to date this year because of how her previous relationship had ended, he didnt argue and respected her decision. That didnt stop him from frequently asking her again in hopes for her to change her mind and it ddnt stop them from going on as a pseudo couple. Playful goodbye kisses on the stairs, more dirty jokes and long pointless walks just for talks. .This was bliss for the time being, untill, slight changes started to occur then his real relationship sense began to show on him.   
                               ~
He became very jealous of her male friends and even got very mad because they dont nessesarily hold in public but her male friend got to hug her tightly right in the hallway, something he was never allowed to do, he told her about it and she said he had no right, that was true because technically they werent dating. While he grew increasingly jealous and very sensitive to the fact that he believed her ex was better than him because of this imprinted chemistry he always sees between them. She became firmer in her not-dating-you stance, and even said to him that the tables have turned now, he so badly wished she didnt intend that as a vengeful statement, but once in a while this was put aside and all he wanted to do was kiss her, she often refused as she would not be treated like an object, that once caused a fight but they still had their moments like; playful poking and random niceties in the dark corners of the library, this former was a bad sign but he just lived in the moment.During a phone conversation she asked what class in high school would he never want to relive?, He picked one far back then she asked why? He said because they werent together then, she asked him if they were together now?, as if to say we are not together now as well. This struck him as a blow but it was eventually shrugged off, unbeknownst to him it was a harbinger of things to come. Penultimately she started acting differently and was picking fights for no good reason, Sometimes they were cool and the other times she treated him like he was just bugging her, and soon she ddnt act very nicely to his possesive nature anymore. 
                            ~
Over time their bond started detiorating,it often needed third party intervention but mostly from fights she had started. She thought it was time to just break it off and told him in a similar fashion that they were better as friends via text. But he took it badly, so she reversed her decision and covered it up with an excuse. They sort of continued until finally, On June 20, 2:45 pm, she no longer saw it as a bond and eventually it was dead to her though not to him, she ended it and said she needed to focus on school while he lovingly agreed, hiding his deep melancholy like the love sick fool he is. Now she had freedom to do what ever she wanted without regard that he is watching. One time he watched on as she kept hugging a particular guy and being generally all over him, while he just watched on like a dazed stalker. For some reason he liked the pain of thinking about her in another mans arms, though it nearly stops his heart, he relished it and frequently watched on. They continued as friends but he often voiced his need for her to come back to him, but ofcourse she ddnt budge and always coated it with an excuse. Now every time he saw her perfect figure walk pass him in her dainty strides, he got very deppressed. Inbetween classes or during meals he never misses a moment to gaze upon her ravishing beauty, he was hurt but knew there was nothing he could do. Later at the first peak of their seperation, she became openly rude to him and very irritable, just like he was to her.  
                           ~
He found that very saddening and just walked away. When she came to apologise he took the oppurtunity to tell her how he felt and how the other guys were using her, she seemed moved by his affection and decided to be his girlfriend. A thought he had long since abandoned but enthusiastically complied and for the first time they were official. That day was a great day but the last of its kind, the next day his new girlfriend was very ungirfriend-like and barely spent time with him, she acted very platonic. It was torture and he vented through poetry as he had usually did, though it ddnt change anything. The season had already come to an end, their goodbye was very watery as she was barely there and was more instrested in the current attraction at the time. This wasnt how he had planned it at all but it happned anyway and the term was over. Now his main pastime was gathering stories about her life and the very numerous guys she had affiliations with, though it ddnt move him he was very disturbed, despite that, he continued gathering, just to relish the pain. And at the peak of it all they continued contact this holiday and she became vehemently hostile, even more graphic that he had been, but for some reason he took it in his stride and even apologised for her own misdeeds.  While she just taxed him for airtime and conversation to wile away the time. Regardless of the advice he got to let her go, he couldnt bring himself to fight back.  
                             ~
She had total control of the situation and went from torturous to conducive overtime. But it hurt all the same, as another season came, they were stil officially together despite her coldness. On the first day she greeted everyone else and didnt even spare him a passing glance. Regardless he went over to say Hi and got the usual cold response. Eventually he frightfully broke off the relationship, she wasnt even moved but this time she wasnt cold at all but something made this very day special as he sought advice from an older person who was quite familiar with his problems, a female academic who identified his problem as being feeble, mistaking being used as a doormat as romance. The proposed remedy was total non-communication towards her for a week, no contact of any sort even if it resulted to snubbing and by the end of the week, she would succumb. Very suprisingly by the end of the week she had come to apologise!! He  played his role very well and had gotten results. After the prolonged apology it wasnt exactly the same and he stil wanted her very much deep down inside, but she was now out of his reach for good. A dozen more apologies from her later on and a few disagreements. It was never the same again. They were never friends for more than a week and he could barely hide his great lust for her as it had now become. Although he had apparently moved on and started liking other girls, he let go of the depression. But he still feels a deep yearning for her and his ever burning desire for her lives on no matter who occupies his heart, desperately wishing he could turn back time and act like a real man, he hopes that things take the turn his did and she eventually becomes his, this never happened. Often after his bouts of prolonged desire, He sits in the dark, breathing into a cup of tea, listening to the saddest of songs, only this time relishing his lost love. Some say its obssesion, others say hes really in love, but he knows what it is, he knows its Poetic justice dealing the cards, as the tables turn. . .

The trouble with beauty

Quite a lot of questions have been raised on how ironic it is for the most ravishing beauties to end up with partners not necessarily on pa...