Thursday, 19 September 2013

Passion (short story)


"I’ve liked him for 5 years I just never said anything, sometimes it was almost nonexistent but other times; the hard times, it struck like a bolt of lightning but it was always there, eating into my subconscious till it became subliminal in a sense that whenever i saw him, I knew i was home" She said as though referring to an affair that was in some way enchanting, but in reality the person involved was all but feasibly alluring, instead; vociferous, violent, vindictive and full of scathing double entendres intended to openly insult another and only be understood by few, excluding the insulted party of course (probably the only sign that he's humane). One would wonder if at all such a person is likeable, but that’s just life’s curve ball, because believe me he was liked! By the very females he mistreated, while the nice guys wither away in the background. I should know, because i was what you'd call The Best Friend and i followed all his escapades, often using his ugly traits to my advantage, ya know, playing "good cop" to the girls he "bad copped", in my own words anyway. That didn’t get me very far, proving my theory that "Girls just loved to be mistreated" but that’s just being superficial. In the course of following his misadventures and embarking on some of my own, often assuming my "good cop" role, I came across the girl who uttered the awe inspiring words that began my expose.
                            ~
Someone actually liked him, not just liked him like the other misdirected girls, that’s what I called them, but like-liked him, this came as a shock though i wouldn’t have bothered if she wasn’t my current infatuation, so i was pretty much getting friend zoned because of my bestial friend, (that explains his violent nature a little and feels better than calling him "best"). I decided to look into it, I just got over my previous infatuation and she was there to help me pick up the pieces and provided a listening ear as i rambled on and on about what could have been, she was nice and emphatic, it also helped that she was The Best Friend to my previous infatuation, so she sort of knew where i was coming from. Over time I recovered and was ready to step back into the scene, while looking for a new one, something got caught in my line of sight, with a clear head i started noticing things i hadn’t before, this my "friend" was nice and emphatic . . But beautiful! She helped me get through a tough time. . And beautiful!! She knew all my obsessive tendencies. . And beautiful!!! She was small and dainty, with dark lips and a disarming smile. Naturally she was my next target, as I tried to find my way out of the friend zone i tried every trick in the book, from old fashion chivalry, to constant compliments but not in the annoying fanatic way, I took a keen interest in her life, and she happily acquainted me with her problems, i started playing the role she played in my life, even paying for stuff she buys with the gimmick that shed pay me back when she gets her money and never accepting the money!
                         ~
Oh i was smooth, and this got me to a point where we could hug freely and hold anytime in public, when i look back and realize the emptiness in those hugs i laugh hysterically. Everything was of a platonic nature but i didn’t suspect at the time, and even boasted to my bestial friend that I’ve moved up in her heart, i should be given a violent face palm with a shoe! The fact that she was so welcoming fueled my delusions of a budding relationship. Soon enough she was on to me, and realized what i what i was trying to do, this was probably brought on by me telling her i had a secret but i wouldn’t reveal it until a later time, skillfully hinting that she had something to do with it. She kept asking what the secret was but i clearly knew she was aware, but decided to play along, after some consultation with my other friend; she was now fully aware of the situation but wanted to hear it from me. I was titillated by this fact as i thought she was considering "us".  Eventually after much beating about the bush i was ready to disclose, and cash in my chips.
"Maybe, perhaps, probably, peradventure, i may have a crush on you"
That was it! My elaborate prelude to this moment and childish finish! Most girls would think this shyness was cute at face value, but deep down take this as complete cowardice, but i hadn’t known this then. She had encouraged me to always make my feelings for a girl known as id always believed if i play my cards right shed break first then I’d take the opportunity.
                         ~
It usually worked before but it seems it was no longer viable. Her retort was laced with compassion as she lauded my attempt at finally revealing my feelings first, but i was the only one with "feelings". I voiced great concern that this could cause a rift in our friendship, but she assured otherwise. Overtime nothing changed, at some point we were almost undeniably a couple, and succeeded in raising many eye brows, including that of my previous infatuation, which was my favorite part. Despite all this she opined that i was still a friend, to my great displeasure. I kept on probing and asking what i could do to change it, even asking her what her dream guy would be like, she said if she tells me, I shouldn’t bother to act like what she describes because it wouldn’t change anything. It was all taken in good faith and said with smiles, as we could now discuss anything, even the dreaded friend zone transition. I decided to find out the cause of her unyielding heart and it appeared she had eyes for another, or others as it would seem. She has had two failed relationships that didn’t end so badly as they were still on talking terms, both were much older than she was, which intimidated me as i was born only months before she was. At first it was a guy she had met in a faraway country that occupied her heart; it didn’t seem like much of a bother so i thought i could still have a chance. 
                             ~
Only for me to discover that he only occupied a small portion of her heart, and the bigger portion belonged to someone else, maybe me, at least that’s what i wished she said but that was far from it. My bestial friend comes into the picture once again, as her heart belonged to him, to make it worse he didn’t even care! How is it that he isn’t even trying but has beaten me to it? She told me this in confidence as it would be disastrous for her if anyone else knows about it. I started voicing disinterest to my bestial friend because of this development, but as a result of random conversation, he figured out he was the one preventing me from progressing with her, partly because the insults i lashed out to the person occupying her heart were the kind of insults that centered around his own character traits, and partly because a part of me was torn between keeping a promise to one friend and keeping something from another friend, naturally a part of me wanted him to find out. Of course the "awkwardity" in her own words, she presumed would happen if he found out, had happened, and surprisingly, though he outwardly said crap about her and mistreated her as he would other girls, jokingly anyway, i could tell deep down she was immersing herself in his subconscious slowly as he did her. Though we were as close as ever, soon enough i was becoming a third wheel and i felt very out of place, they wouldn’t talk about anything serious as he was too busy being annoying
                          ~
There came a time when i was fed up with their unspoken bond and i asked why exactly she feels this way for, that was when she made the awe inspiring statement, which plummeted me into deeper confusion. The way she said it, it didn’t look rehearsed or off the tip of her tongue, it just felt deep. I couldn’t help but feel daunted by this, i knew now that i couldn’t mimic such emotion with my scripted, surface prone methods, because anyone could treat her the way i did and my mediocre attempt to sway her was all for naught, at least it didn’t get me what i wanted.  It came to a point that i started looking beyond all the bravado my bestial friend was fond of, i decided to put myself in her position, and allow myself feel like she did, hopelessly enamored by violence as i had put it,  and i soon discovered, it wasn’t violence at all, it was more than that, it was a more complex form of emotion that cannot be imitated, it speaks for itself, it radiates from everything you do, it’s what moves us to tears at our lowest points, it’s the extra 5 seconds you add to a hug when you just can’t let go, it’s a key component in the intense mixture that makes love even more dangerous, it was Passion. . .
Now this was where i gave up, i was no match for that, i could not treat anything with such ardor if it wasn’t life or death and even then id still find a logical reason to not feel completely depressed, i was in a word "unemotional"
                                ~
Always trying to reason everything out, my feelings were all in my head and it started to feel as though my heart had never been used and was probably riddled with cobwebs. I had never taken this into consideration, not until i saw it in motion, his antics no longer looked pointless, but a true part of him, it didn’t make it any less obnoxious, but at least he was able to channel his true self into anything he did, anyone would find security in such and i just wished no one else saw this, i couldn’t stand being so inferior. With every girl i spoke to i had a different set of moves and a completely different character, even with my friends, i was an absolute chameleon, it just seemed that no matter how much i faked or rather acted, it’s as though she could see through it all and the propensity of my actions were as clear and inconsistent as my very actions, what’s worse is probably every one saw through my facade. When i figured this out, i didn’t feel very much attracted to her now that i knew what it would take for me to truly captivate her, i assumed my role as the third wheel and figured i might as well move on. I didn’t let it affect our friendship but she could notice my sudden indifference she voiced her concerns to my other friend and sometimes to me, but i couldn’t bring myself to continue trying to mimic something bigger than i was.
                            ~
She found out that he knew how she felt and this didn’t sit well with her, I was to blame, and this didn’t help our already strained relationship as she now felt she couldn’t trust me, i once again pulled out every oratory trick i knew but it didn’t help, she did not like me very much now but acted like she understood, frankly it didn’t really bother me that much because i didn’t really tell him, he found out himself.
The cat was out of the bag now, she and my bestial friend had come to an unspoken but mutual understanding, he became serious when talking to her and acted like he truly cared, i was dumbfounded! Has my bestial friend finally been smitten?! Of course he tried to keep up with appearances and would throw a jab or two her way but i easily saw through it. When asked he denies it but agrees that he is surprised that someone would like him this much when he doesn’t even try, i could sense some ego there, what an obnoxious creature. With the little time left, i took on other ventures, armed with a deeper sense of understanding; i could now objectively judge issues regarding them without jealousy or irritation.
We became friends again after she had come to terms with her feelings and it felt really great, i couldn’t believe i let my theories that were probably assumptions come between our friendship, maybe if i wasn’t so deluded and played it cool something could have been, but it was too late for that anyway. 
                               ~
As the last day approached they made it known to each other how they felt, i thought I’d see fireworks that belittled the sun when they finally did. But they chose to keep me in the dark on this one at least one of them did, the other had a lot to say. We were leaving soon and wouldn’t meet again for a very long time, i felt it was appropriate that they waited this long. I couldn’t help but think of what could have been. It became clear that girls didn’t love to be mistreated; they are just built with the innate ability to spot a faker, and would fall for anyone genuine, if they were good or bad, as long as it’s from the heart. Some good guys probably suffer because they either aren’t really good or just try too hard; i guess that’s what "be yourself" means.
I just can’t stop thinking of what could have been, if i had successfully made the transition, but that wasn’t about to happen.
Not with a facade, not with an empty heart, not with platitudes and certainly not without Passion...

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